Sunday, March 4, 2012

Test of Faith

It's D-Day. August 2nd, 2011. Mom is here to watch the boys for us. My c-section is scheduled for 1:00pm and we are to arrive at Dupond Hospital at 11:00am. No food or drink for me since last night, but who could eat at a time like this? We're about to meet our baby girl! I still have a feeling of "I'll believe it when I see it". Check in is seamless and we settle in to wait. I'm nervous but try not to show it. Flashbacks are occurring in my mind of almost 6 years ago. Nate is pretending he's not nervous either, but I know better. He's being goofy-er (is that a word?) than usual and that gives it away. He's playing with the camera. I oblige.

They come in to get me at 12:45. Darn, just when I was thinking I still have 15 more minutes to hide out in here. My spinal doesn't hurt but only takes on my left side. Great. As if my anxiety isn't through the roof already. They promptly tilt the bed and wait. I don't handle the drop in blood pressure well. I'm telling myself to calm down and relax. My mind is doing anything BUT that. Dr. Lorenc comes in and is so sweet. He's rubbing my arm and telling me I'm fine. Why don't I believe him? I've been here before and I wasn't fine then either. What a baby I'm being. Get a grip Amber! I hear the anesthesiologist get permission before he gives me versed. What did he say? Versed? I've always joked about this stuff when Logan gets it before surgery. I think, "now's my chance to try it!" I'm in and out from this point on. Nate tells me I talked...and talked, and talked. I'll have to trust him on that as I don't remember much. They deliver Addison and she lets out that cry we all wait to hear. Only it's the cry I NEVER wanted to ever hear again. The familiar sound of half grunting, half cooing. No Lord, not again! She's having trouble breathing. They say they need to take her up to ICU. Is she a girl? Can't I just see her really fast? But there she goes.

The rest of the day is sort of a blur. They tell me my uterus didn't contract well. They had to give me more meds. They've ordered an echo for Addi. They ask for a complete history of heart problems in our family. I cry and cry. Is this for real? Are my emotions my own or is this the drugs wearing off? Maybe both. But I'm too out of it to figure it out. Nate tells my Mom to stay home with the boys until we know more. They won't even let Nate up there to be with her. He stays with me. But I can tell he's not comfortable here either.

The nurses here are wonderful. They make it my goal to get out of bed at 8:00pm to get up to see Addi. They've finished her assessment. She's on a c-pap machine to aid her with her breathing. Her heart looks fine. Praise God! She's having trouble with profusion. And she isn't cleared to eat yet. How I longed to hold my baby! I was robbed of that with Logan and I couldn't help but feel the same self pity again. But her heart looks good and I rest on that. 8pm rolls around and no go. The drugs are still flowing and my legs don't cooperate. We make the next goal for 12am and I'm determined! Success was mine at that time and off we went in the elevator to the 3rd floor PICU.


katieanne said...

You're killing me! Must keep writing!

katieanne said...

You can't stop there!