Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Love at First Sight!

We reach her private room and wait. Where is the nurse? Here I am, sitting outside the glass doors, just steps away from her and I can't go in. They have her under special precautions. The night nurse hands me a gown and gloves. Nate finally rolls me in. I'm struggling to stand up. It hurts but I don't care. And there she is. My sweet, precious baby girl. I want to hold her more than anything but they say no. She's not stable on the machine. I think, don't they know what we've been through? Don't they know the experience I have, holding little Logan, with 4 times the IV's she's got, chest tubes coming out everywhere, a REAL ventilator hooked up? Stupid hospital rules. That feeling of inadequacy creeps in again. She's mine, yet she's there's. She's resting comfortably according to the monitor. But I just hate that another one of my babies is robbed of the chance to be cuddled by their mother. I remind myself to be thankful. One step at a time, you can do this.

They don't want to wake her. I'm exhausted just from my short trip up the elevator. So we decide to go back and get some rest.

The morning comes. I get out of bed and insist Nate helps me up to the 3rd floor. They say she did well through the night and they're going to allow her to try to eat later in the afternoon. I'm so excited by this news! The boys come to visit me and Nate decides to take them to the zoo. My Mom stays with me and my friend Amy comes over from Ohio to spend some time with me too. The nurse rings my room that Addison is ready to eat. I feel a little awkward. It's been 8 years since I nursed a baby. Do I remember how to do this? And with an audience no doubt! She's having trouble. Is it the latching she can't get? She doesn't seem hungry. But how can that be? Amy takes first ones holding Addi! The nurse tries to help but Addison just doesn't seem interested. We try a bottle instead. But she doesn't want that either. She won't even try to latch to it. Amy notices that Addi's feet are purple. Am I holding her too tight? I unwrap her and her whole body is modeled. The nurse says she'll make a note of it and let the doctor know when he does rounds again. I'm disappointed. But on the other hand, how can I be? I'm finally holding my girl! We try again at the next feeding time, but this time with the help of a lactation consultant. But still no go.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Test of Faith

It's D-Day. August 2nd, 2011. Mom is here to watch the boys for us. My c-section is scheduled for 1:00pm and we are to arrive at Dupond Hospital at 11:00am. No food or drink for me since last night, but who could eat at a time like this? We're about to meet our baby girl! I still have a feeling of "I'll believe it when I see it". Check in is seamless and we settle in to wait. I'm nervous but try not to show it. Flashbacks are occurring in my mind of almost 6 years ago. Nate is pretending he's not nervous either, but I know better. He's being goofy-er (is that a word?) than usual and that gives it away. He's playing with the camera. I oblige.

They come in to get me at 12:45. Darn, just when I was thinking I still have 15 more minutes to hide out in here. My spinal doesn't hurt but only takes on my left side. Great. As if my anxiety isn't through the roof already. They promptly tilt the bed and wait. I don't handle the drop in blood pressure well. I'm telling myself to calm down and relax. My mind is doing anything BUT that. Dr. Lorenc comes in and is so sweet. He's rubbing my arm and telling me I'm fine. Why don't I believe him? I've been here before and I wasn't fine then either. What a baby I'm being. Get a grip Amber! I hear the anesthesiologist get permission before he gives me versed. What did he say? Versed? I've always joked about this stuff when Logan gets it before surgery. I think, "now's my chance to try it!" I'm in and out from this point on. Nate tells me I talked...and talked, and talked. I'll have to trust him on that as I don't remember much. They deliver Addison and she lets out that cry we all wait to hear. Only it's the cry I NEVER wanted to ever hear again. The familiar sound of half grunting, half cooing. No Lord, not again! She's having trouble breathing. They say they need to take her up to ICU. Is she a girl? Can't I just see her really fast? But there she goes.

The rest of the day is sort of a blur. They tell me my uterus didn't contract well. They had to give me more meds. They've ordered an echo for Addi. They ask for a complete history of heart problems in our family. I cry and cry. Is this for real? Are my emotions my own or is this the drugs wearing off? Maybe both. But I'm too out of it to figure it out. Nate tells my Mom to stay home with the boys until we know more. They won't even let Nate up there to be with her. He stays with me. But I can tell he's not comfortable here either.

The nurses here are wonderful. They make it my goal to get out of bed at 8:00pm to get up to see Addi. They've finished her assessment. She's on a c-pap machine to aid her with her breathing. Her heart looks fine. Praise God! She's having trouble with profusion. And she isn't cleared to eat yet. How I longed to hold my baby! I was robbed of that with Logan and I couldn't help but feel the same self pity again. But her heart looks good and I rest on that. 8pm rolls around and no go. The drugs are still flowing and my legs don't cooperate. We make the next goal for 12am and I'm determined! Success was mine at that time and off we went in the elevator to the 3rd floor PICU.

9 short months

My pregnancy was relatively uneventful. I only had "morning sickness" for 1 week. And I'm not even sure if that wasn't just the flu or something else. I was tired, but who wouldn't be with 2 active little guys running here and there and everywhere. I was concerned (to say the least) about this little ones' heart. In fact, if I was being honest, it consumed my mind more often than I hoped. Nate and I decided we'd like to wait until this gift was born to find out what we were having. I set my mind to it and did better than I thought I would with that decision. March rolled around and I approached the 19th week mark. We had an appointment scheduled with Dr. Cordes, Logan's cardiologist in Indianapolis. He was performing a fetal echo cardiogram. We never knew about Logan's heart condition until we met him face to face. We thought it best to be prepared this time around. God answered our prayers that day! Baby's heart was perfect!

Then came the 22nd week appt. Ultrasound day! We were both strong until the gal asked The Question. I looked at Nate and he said, "tell us". God far exceeded my dreams that day and we found out He blessed us with a baby GIRL!